tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14839201122394144172024-03-23T04:36:05.712-04:00I Married a GeekFunny, funny, funny...wait...
Unknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger30125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1483920112239414417.post-52543857848690549042023-12-23T17:48:00.004-05:002023-12-30T12:41:18.806-05:00Kevin McCarthy, The Anti-Ozempic<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjkFsNVBP8fqkqZ-vhwxX2v8ObfRgWr44zXZehqd0Lkhv046iKwIPmFQJS4lXiAgAYvQ49JTapU0cOQTSgHv4OVojgyvQuZOGsFTpXaL9Bm2u9xEcYlSBjvhaOdZwNti_mTPoDMT5BAR1Jx3kkx-Q28ROl8L8Vh6vCox-b6JomovNQGKTAJApPxmkgpGUhl/s320/mccarthy%20-%201.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="240" data-original-width="320" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjkFsNVBP8fqkqZ-vhwxX2v8ObfRgWr44zXZehqd0Lkhv046iKwIPmFQJS4lXiAgAYvQ49JTapU0cOQTSgHv4OVojgyvQuZOGsFTpXaL9Bm2u9xEcYlSBjvhaOdZwNti_mTPoDMT5BAR1Jx3kkx-Q28ROl8L8Vh6vCox-b6JomovNQGKTAJApPxmkgpGUhl/s1600/mccarthy%20-%201.jpeg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><p><br /></p><p><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><br /></span></p><p><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">Kevin was worried, yes he was. His svelte master had stopped wearing his custom made Spanx from the Big & Fat Men’s Store and was now moping around, hardly eating at all.</span></p><p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">“Master, master, you have to eat! Look at this delicious Mickey -Dee’s I brought you,” Kevin said, groveling and sputtering like the very best sycophant he was. “Have I not told you again and again? Your magnificent body doesn’t have to follow caloric rules!”</p><p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">“Nobody loves me anymore,” T sulked. It’s twenty-two days since I’ve had any fun at all. No one salutes, or even prostrates on the floor! I can barely get them to notice the ketchup on the walls, or the endless briefs stopping up my beautiful golden bidets.”</p><p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">T looked down at Kevin, who hit the floor like a missile to Iran. “All I have left is this list of small time donors. Whatever shall I do?”</p><p style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">“A selfie! A selfie!” Kevin clamored, “Your teeth are looking so pearly white today!”</p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1483920112239414417.post-81974672906527013452023-08-25T17:51:00.002-04:002023-08-26T17:44:24.572-04:00This Is The Mirror He Used<p> </p><h2 style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 13px; text-align: justify;"><br /></span></h2><h2 style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 13px; text-align: justify;"><br /></span></h2><h2 style="text-align: center;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi4XYhZ73Un0lIP6JEKytiK7gu9uTI3QbjzEWmXITL4soPrZymCvIkv9SQ-ddI7fEopOE9X0Jmqkbfa9H_06Lgqq4zF1bWgd7w8CLJULqluT4hho9cAr6b1Y-08dhc62zKUZBS-B78ZpAGdvesZjdYQ8y4XMCgT6EAzyHMjslcVkPBlIJ-tPJtl3zz50vG-/s320/eagle%20-%201.jpeg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="319" data-original-width="320" height="319" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi4XYhZ73Un0lIP6JEKytiK7gu9uTI3QbjzEWmXITL4soPrZymCvIkv9SQ-ddI7fEopOE9X0Jmqkbfa9H_06Lgqq4zF1bWgd7w8CLJULqluT4hho9cAr6b1Y-08dhc62zKUZBS-B78ZpAGdvesZjdYQ8y4XMCgT6EAzyHMjslcVkPBlIJ-tPJtl3zz50vG-/s1600/eagle%20-%201.jpeg" width="320" /></a></div><span style="font-family: inherit;">A Majestic Eagle!</span></h2><div><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div><div><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 28px; margin: 0in; text-indent: 0in;"><span face="Verdana, sans-serif" style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 24px;">Practicing late into the night, a sweating Coke* by his side, T dropped his chin close to his neck so he could scowl from beneath his eyebrows, low to high, the opposite of what M had told him to do. He found he could tuck his neck skin right into his collar under his chin. Wouldn’t Mitch be jealous! <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 28px; margin: 0in; text-indent: 0in;"><span face="Verdana, sans-serif" style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 24px;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 28px; margin: 0in; text-indent: 0in;"><span face="Verdana, sans-serif" style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 24px;">I want to look like a hawk. A beautiful golden hawk, he thought, dropping his head a skosh and admiring the gold highlights on his hair and eyebrows. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 28px; margin: 0in; text-indent: 0in;"><span face="Verdana, sans-serif" style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 24px;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 28px; margin: 0in; text-indent: 0in;"><span face="Verdana, sans-serif" style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 24px;">WAIT!! AN EAGLE! A MAJESTIC EAGLE! T practiced looking like an eagle all night, every night until he had the frown just so, the mouth small and mean. When he had it down, he moved to the other matter.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 28px; margin: 0in; text-indent: 0in;"><span face="Verdana, sans-serif" style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 24px;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 28px; margin: 0in; text-indent: 0in;"><span face="Verdana, sans-serif" style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 24px;">“Just tell them six foot three, two-hundred fifteen pounds, and leave the rest to me and the Republican Congressmen,” he said.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 28px; margin: 0in; text-indent: 0in;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; text-indent: 0in;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 28px; margin: 0in; text-indent: 0in;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; text-indent: 0in;">He did like to repeat himself.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 28px; margin: 0in; text-indent: 0in;"><span face="Verdana, sans-serif" style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 24px;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 28px; margin: 0in; text-indent: 0in;"><span face="Verdana, sans-serif" style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 24px;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 28px; margin: 0in; text-indent: 0in;"><span face="Verdana, sans-serif" style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 24px;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 28px; margin: 0in; text-indent: 0in;"><span face="Verdana, sans-serif" style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 24px;">*Don’t ever call it “DIET!” he’d screamed at the assistant who later realized the enormity, of her mistake.<o:p></o:p></span></p></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div><div><p style="font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1483920112239414417.post-83665217483904195542020-06-10T22:28:00.002-04:002020-06-25T14:17:42.802-04:00The Hair Apparent<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjc7fzrEBAubEsyw4iGy2U31uNZtoDDrjuMykDJYH41VKYhyphenhyphenJIVHvspVYOigiE4y6-pyMO7USyKBf2jM18iRNAfg4br9nV_Z0ez7-pVXYMxpiT4n3uuHncFBVvvymvvGBLHxzH9AB7xvFTa/s1600/blonde+pompadour+-+1.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="176" data-original-width="325" height="173" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjc7fzrEBAubEsyw4iGy2U31uNZtoDDrjuMykDJYH41VKYhyphenhyphenJIVHvspVYOigiE4y6-pyMO7USyKBf2jM18iRNAfg4br9nV_Z0ez7-pVXYMxpiT4n3uuHncFBVvvymvvGBLHxzH9AB7xvFTa/s320/blonde+pompadour+-+1.png" width="320" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhi8_K0_cG_8BSh1gUCDABE_AEle_L6kEWv4pGKa8QF99b-PGu2fwZm78AqQxEAxMFc84lKMMzxLcjqIOly-e09U52lSKQqBKc3m2rL9ivQacmZdevPY9iWl1UMYTZPi3GCmhfFspwAmPEV/s1600/blonde+pompadour+2+-+1.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="332" data-original-width="640" height="166" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhi8_K0_cG_8BSh1gUCDABE_AEle_L6kEWv4pGKa8QF99b-PGu2fwZm78AqQxEAxMFc84lKMMzxLcjqIOly-e09U52lSKQqBKc3m2rL9ivQacmZdevPY9iWl1UMYTZPi3GCmhfFspwAmPEV/s320/blonde+pompadour+2+-+1.png" width="320" /></a></div>
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T’s mother was not a natural blonde, but she did have one of the mansion’s bedrooms dedicated entirely to her wigs. <o:p></o:p></div>
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Honey blonde, strawberry, dirty, golden or ash, <span style="font-size: 14pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">T’s mother wore them all, though she never went platinum, because T’s father thought that shade vulgar for a wife (though fine for a mistress). </span></div>
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T’s mother despised Styrofoam head wig-stands, so she bought custom Cosmetology Mannequin Heads and commissioned a make-up artist to paint the faces. Mounted on marble pedestals, the heads dazzled with their cat-eyed liner, thick false eyelashes and pouty pink or coral lips. Only when the make-up was perfect, did T’s mother allow her hairdresser to place a styled blonde postiche on the head, and the room became a feast of beauty.<o:p></o:p></div>
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T adored his mother’s wig-room from the very beginning, when a frustrated nanny took him there to stop a tantrum. It worked immediately.<o:p></o:p></div>
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“Mommy?” he whispered, turning in a circle. A Baccarat chandelier scattered light across the room, ricocheting off the gold-veined mirrors. It seemed there were a thousand mommies. No matter they were bodiless, they all had beautiful hair.<o:p></o:p></div>
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The summer he was ten, whenever his mother left the house, T made a bee-line to the wig chamber. Opening the door, he thrilled to the gorgeous fake women inside. Then he kissed every one of the twenty-five stunners, right on their perfectly painted lips. <o:p></o:p></div>
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“I’m T,” he’d breathe on them, leaning in quickly to steal his prize. Then he’d smooth their hair, marveling at the lustrous variety of colors and styles. One seemed a cascade of shiny 18k gold, spun into waves. Next, a soft cap of curls, wheat-colored and gleaming. T’s favorite wig was an elaborate updo with a yellow glossy pompadour swept low over the forehead. <i>Someday,</i> he thought. <i>Someday.</i><o:p></o:p></div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1483920112239414417.post-79186533916884713742020-04-17T20:59:00.000-04:002020-04-17T20:59:02.415-04:00How Many Doctors?<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Dr. Swill</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgDM55WDJ7MBJjKN0ouoIjci9td3mLfIMd1sgzgg3o17V2S4ozlC4zzrU-LdLFc93xsSHuZ5lOHjNv52ui5R2xmoaYg4kM67vDRIY88JXbR9ijUGdp8fFbOfXUbf-EaMp7L-F4Mo5pJuvUQ/s1600/Dr.+Oz+-+1+%25281%2529.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="279" data-original-width="352" height="253" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgDM55WDJ7MBJjKN0ouoIjci9td3mLfIMd1sgzgg3o17V2S4ozlC4zzrU-LdLFc93xsSHuZ5lOHjNv52ui5R2xmoaYg4kM67vDRIY88JXbR9ijUGdp8fFbOfXUbf-EaMp7L-F4Mo5pJuvUQ/s320/Dr.+Oz+-+1+%25281%2529.png" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Dr. Schnoz</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Dr. Laura Ignoramus</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">How Many Doctors?</span></h4>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>Dr. Ignoramus:</b> Don't tell me! I wrote MY thesis on the effects of Insulin on Laboratory Rats. I'm a special, Specialist.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>Dr. Swill:</b> Don't know. I don't actually have a license to practice, I just exploit people's emotions on TV. And it's good money. Great, actually.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>Dr. Schnoz:</b> Hold up! I am a real medical doctor. I specialize in dieting, voodoo and yoga/kombucha. I am an actual MD. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>Dr. Ignoramus:</b> Anyway, what's the point? We have Common Sense. And Common Sense says: People are going to die anyway, it's time to get the money rolling again.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>Dr. Swill:</b> You know, I just got an infinity-sized pool installed.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>Dr Schnoz:</b><i> </i>Be careful with that. Lots of people, lots, lots, of people die by swimming pools. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>Dr. Ignoramus:</b> And you heard it here, first!</span></div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1483920112239414417.post-57034340832160908462020-04-17T00:26:00.000-04:002020-04-20T10:20:16.899-04:00 Barr Claims Media Jihad Against Hydroxychloroquin<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh91blSJpeMJ5NucjhnZkSS7qoj_6-NvpPNpGoIfihW6w48CSyiyhZLvYMva8EZ3-wppEC4xD5j3aXAQqdYih1b_pIyqIOiqJt8OSWJX1d88JSK0idpB4REu1nMvDT_okW5T6XE837UHB1_/s1600/belly+barr+-+1.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="572" data-original-width="666" height="171" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh91blSJpeMJ5NucjhnZkSS7qoj_6-NvpPNpGoIfihW6w48CSyiyhZLvYMva8EZ3-wppEC4xD5j3aXAQqdYih1b_pIyqIOiqJt8OSWJX1d88JSK0idpB4REu1nMvDT_okW5T6XE837UHB1_/s200/belly+barr+-+1.png" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Attorney General Belly Barr</td></tr>
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<span style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Barr says Trump has been the recipient </span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">of “snarky, gotcha questions from the White House media pool.” Questions like:</span></span></h2>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Reporter 1<br />
Has there been an efficacy study on the drug?</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiR_LgkfD1AQJVtfTzek1Qx8pLwV2nqBHNwWH6fBzYgraTIPqwSLmdFYLPacOoBQVO9Kz3cJpiCNAIO8Nw0rLdPkfpqUGMyviRSLFJeISPlW7rBR2Qrbw-Quml_XURw1Jew7_s4oLLJrXxp/s1600/TV+Terror+-+1.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="666" data-original-width="568" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiR_LgkfD1AQJVtfTzek1Qx8pLwV2nqBHNwWH6fBzYgraTIPqwSLmdFYLPacOoBQVO9Kz3cJpiCNAIO8Nw0rLdPkfpqUGMyviRSLFJeISPlW7rBR2Qrbw-Quml_XURw1Jew7_s4oLLJrXxp/s200/TV+Terror+-+1.png" width="170" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Reporter 2<br />
What about scientific trials?</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Reporter 3<br />
Are there side effects?</td></tr>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1483920112239414417.post-17718152665773878882020-04-08T18:49:00.000-04:002020-04-18T21:20:13.758-04:00I'm Not a Doctor But I Have Common Sense<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">PRESIDENT TRUMPET PRACTICES</td></tr>
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“FIVE MINUTES, MR. PRESIDENT.” <o:p></o:p></div>
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“Ahem."<o:p></o:p></div>
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"Xi says, Xi says, covid no more."<o:p></o:p></div>
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"Saudi princes pay no prices, murder they can do."<o:p></o:p></div>
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"How many nukes would Kim Jung Un chuck, if Kim Jung Un could chuck nukes ?"<o:p></o:p></div>
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"Hi-drox-ee-kloro-quinn, Hi-drox-ee-kloro-quinn. <span style="font-size: 14pt;">Nothing lost by doing it, nothing lost by doing it."</span></div>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
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"I’ve seen things that I sort of like. So what do I know? I'm not a doctor. I'm not a doctor, but I have Common Sense."</div>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt;">"But, Hi-drox-ee-Kloro-quinn. Try it, if you'd like.”</span><br />
<span style="font-size: 14pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: 14pt;">"Whaduh ya have to lose?" </span></div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1483920112239414417.post-43495508681288416852020-04-02T17:50:00.002-04:002020-04-18T14:34:32.417-04:00A Perfect Convo<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>PRESIDENT TRUMPET</b></span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"> VS.</span></h2>
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<b><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"> </span></b></h2>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>CORONA KING</b></span></td></tr>
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<b><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">DT:</span></b><b style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"> </b><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Lissen, Mr. Corona, do you prefer Corona King, or Corona Virus?</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>CK:</b> Unghh</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>DT:</b> Right. I'm just going to call you Spot. <span style="font-size: 14pt;">You know, I felt you were a pandemic long before you were even called a pandemic.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>CV:</b> Unghh</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>DT:</b> Very much under control in the USA? I never said that! I said you were a very contagious virus!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>CK: </b>Unghh</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>DT:</b> Look, I’ve barely slowed you down at all. Think about it. Inadequate testing, that was me. And I encouraged people to go out for as long as I could!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>CV:</b> unghh</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>DT: </b>You know, you made me look really bad with that Easter Bunny business. I mean, that was going to be a hit with the Christian right, and you kind of ruined it for me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>CV:</b> unghh<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>DT:</b> I understand. Spot, I would like you to do us a favor though because our country has been through a lot…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1483920112239414417.post-9174050105096487192020-03-31T19:52:00.001-04:002020-04-18T21:25:21.162-04:00Let's Get Mikey!!<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">President Don Trumpet</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">"I don't like the </span></h2>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">governor </span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">of Washington. </span></h2>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">So you know who calls? </span></h2>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I get Mike Pence to call."</span></h2>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Vice President Underpence</span></td></tr>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1483920112239414417.post-75776823721574586782018-03-22T19:02:00.002-04:002020-06-11T08:01:21.517-04:00It's Not Me, It's You<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<h2 style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-large; font-weight: normal;">It's Not Me, It's You</span></h2>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<h3>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-weight: normal;">I’ve been considering this break-up for some time. Surely
you noticed I’ve been pulling away?</span></h3>
<h3>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">It started so well. You showed me everything I wanted to
see, with no surprises. I felt heard, and if not loved, at least I was liked, a
LOT. And the connection kept growing, beyond what I ever believed possible.<br /> </span><br /><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Then you changed. Remember? You started withholding things
you gave me in the start. You stopped showing me what I wanted, and forced me
to do everything YOUR way. You said it was what you thought I wanted, but you
never asked, not once.</span></span></h3>
<h3>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Do I have a part? Who cares? You cheated on me, and 50
million others. Now that you’re caught, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">you
say you have a responsibility, and if you can’t live up to your end of the
bargain, you don’t deserve me.</i> At least you’re right about that.<br /> </span><br /><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I’m taking myself out, and I won’t be back. I just wanted
you to know that it’s not me... it’s you. </span></span></h3>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1483920112239414417.post-9626094220134369272016-04-15T06:47:00.000-04:002016-04-27T10:35:11.598-04:00Why Women Hate Viagra**<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiR7LBjpRSa4LE_XPCVbtQ4ViI3mzzawX2KbLIMaLLbds8_WACYiJUv_D2zUDBo2-L1SvmqmCU0_1lGfBXO60yDXmEUXnNRU03Fg3wbXrsLrmRnaNJ-Zn-GYjnukB6TVXVjSGAWp2Wt3s9G/s1600/woman+screams+-+1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiR7LBjpRSa4LE_XPCVbtQ4ViI3mzzawX2KbLIMaLLbds8_WACYiJUv_D2zUDBo2-L1SvmqmCU0_1lGfBXO60yDXmEUXnNRU03Fg3wbXrsLrmRnaNJ-Zn-GYjnukB6TVXVjSGAWp2Wt3s9G/s400/woman+screams+-+1.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: x-large;"><b><br /></b></span>
<br />
<div style="text-align: left;">
<b style="font-family: times, 'times new roman', serif; font-size: xx-large;">The Top Ten Reasons Women Hate Viagra</b></div>
</div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">10. Can’t count on aging to get a good night's sleep</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">9. As if doctors didn't have god complexes already</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">8. Plausible alibis for dirty old men</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">7. Makes a penis look super angry</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">6. There goes your free time</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">5. Pants tents everywhere in the nursing home </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">4. Doesn't prevent guys buying embarrassing muscle cars</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">3. Humiliating ER visits where staff asks: "But did you try a blow job?"</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">2. Those simpering, chiffon-clad fake nymphos in the commercials</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">1.<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Now any time...is the right time??</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span><span style="font-size: large;">**This is not about my husband</span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1483920112239414417.post-46382540516980282952016-03-28T19:08:00.000-04:002016-04-07T08:21:30.885-04:00Special Force: Toilet Seat Down<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span id="goog_436036323"></span><span id="goog_436036324"></span><br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: left;">
"John! You left the seat up again!"</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNfmtiwd5P-jw7DzB0dvvk14ivdJefbm9grHqTnNHsu-Se_XMEBrgH4EuW489tOrGpXpLn_pjfd1lSl1xOC4fFOnR-xKvq1JWOCO1o7ZNtrT6y1CnSsfzvaOtnyrsj03CP6uqe5vIqbYry/s1600/toilet+seat+-+1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNfmtiwd5P-jw7DzB0dvvk14ivdJefbm9grHqTnNHsu-Se_XMEBrgH4EuW489tOrGpXpLn_pjfd1lSl1xOC4fFOnR-xKvq1JWOCO1o7ZNtrT6y1CnSsfzvaOtnyrsj03CP6uqe5vIqbYry/s320/toilet+seat+-+1.jpg" width="320" /></a>"Of course I did."</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
"Why?"</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
“I don’t want to touch that germy toilet.”</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
"Wait. Didn't you make contact putting it up?"</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
"That's different. I washed my hands after."</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
"Can’t you wash them after you put it back down?"</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
SILENCE</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
I’m pretty sure that the guys who leave toilet seats up don’t appreciate the fact that we have to regularly scrub away all traces of their using them. Even with industrial strength gloves and a two-foot-handled brush, it’s a disgusting task.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Once, a boyfriend asked me: “Why do I have to put it down? Equality means women should have to put it up.”</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
“Here’s your equality, ” I answered, handing him the cleaner and a brush. He refused, and continued to leave the seat up, while I fantasized about killing him for money.<br />
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Some people have a calling to volunteer at soup kitchens or help the elderly cross the street. I learned that my calling was to be the special force that evens the score on toilet seat position. <i>Special Force: Toilet Seat Down</i>. And I do this for all women, not just myself.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Like many such awakenings, I realized my new spiritual mission while on the golf course.<i> And, it was the same course where Trump did his first comb over,</i> after he looked in the men’s room mirror and saw:<br />
<div style="text-align: left;">
</div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEghn4pcqBTsmbUWMF4yh_iQgF0yvcscRz4wllsNXbSqkHvxA1W1RGsPhpA-oshd4ZGcPUHAFn0JGpW_oTideKhS6el4sA5S9g_dzjlw03GbK_6NM3j6kY8jHEppoZtH8x_ka-pREkJoPdPm/s1600/trump+waterboard+blue+-+1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEghn4pcqBTsmbUWMF4yh_iQgF0yvcscRz4wllsNXbSqkHvxA1W1RGsPhpA-oshd4ZGcPUHAFn0JGpW_oTideKhS6el4sA5S9g_dzjlw03GbK_6NM3j6kY8jHEppoZtH8x_ka-pREkJoPdPm/s320/trump+waterboard+blue+-+1.jpg" width="230" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b>A DIFFERENT KIND OF WATERBOARDING</b></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div style="text-align: left;">
</div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: left;">
</div>
<br /></div>
A.<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span> A tiny row of really smart women growing on his head.<br />
<br />
B.<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span> Mini illegal immigrants jumping over a fence on his part.<br />
<br />
C.<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span> Teensy hair-pulling terrorists being tortured insufficiently.<br />
<br />
<br />
The day of my avocation, my sister and I had been golfing for hours and regularly quaffing water, so we wouldn’t get dehydrated<b>*</b>. Finally, a bathroom appeared, but it was occupied, and there were three other women waiting in line, all tapping their toes and counting pine needles to divert them from having an accident. I looked over at the men’s room. The symbol on the door wasn’t wearing a triangle and neither was I, so I went in. That’s fair.<br />
<br />
Well, it didn't smell good in there, as you might imagine. There was a urinal, with a strange round disc in it. I understand these are called urinal cakes. I think they smell like mothballs so drunk guys using the bathroom literally don’t eat them. There was a toilet too, reasonably clean, with the seat up.<br />
<br />
Grabbing a paper towel, I lowered the seat and attempted to go without actually sitting on it, because I was raised to pee <i>only if it was absolutely necessary,</i> and I was never to really touch the seat. After, I momentarily struggled with the feeling that I should put the seat back up, <i>to be considerate of the next user.</i><br />
<br />
That’s when the room went dark. Suddenly, a faint light appeared, accompanied by a rush of fresh air. As the light got brighter, there appeared a fairly hairy and hefty woman (with wings!) pushing open the window.<br />
<br />
“God, it stinks in here!” she said.<br />
“Who are you?” I said.<br />
“Uh, the wings?”<br />
“Angels aren't supposed to be fat and have chin hairs,” I told her.<br />
“It’s my job to make you feel better about yourself,” she answered.<br />
“Oh.”<br />
<br />
The angel told me that I had been selected to rebalance the toilet seat universe. From now on, she told me, I was to enter men’s rooms everywhere and put the seats DOWN.<br />
“What?” I was almost speechless with disappointment. This was my special purpose?<br />
“Every day, millions of women are praying they don’t kill some guy who left the seat up, so it’s an important job,” she explained.<br />
“More important than being rich and famous?”<br />
“You’re not thin enough for that.”<br />
“Oh.”<br />
She faded away, winking, and stroking a line of wiry hair on her jaw, which made me reach up and do the same, but only after I washed my hands.<br />
<br />
Known the world over as restroom deserts, golf courses became my specialty. Soon, I was sneaking into men's rooms all over the state, gleefully dropping the seats down, one by one.<br />
The first time I got caught, I walked out, and almost collided with a beefy, red-faced guy wearing ridiculous plaid pants, with a spreading dark spot along the leg.<br />
“You made me spill my beer!” he yelled.<br />
“Sorry," I mumbled, laughing inwardly at his euphemism.<br />
<br />
A few holes later, the golf course ranger pulled us over on the cart path, and said, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask you ladies to stop using the men's room. We're getting complaints.”<br />
"I’m the one that did it,” I said. “I’ve been getting a little confused lately."<br />
"She has early onset dementia,” my sister whispered, “sometimes it's hard to keep an eye on her."<br />
"ANOTHER HOLE-IN-ONE!" I shouted, for believability, while he sped off looking scared.<br />
<br />
I may have started with free standing bathrooms on golf courses, but by the end, I was slamming down seats in men's rooms everywhere. I used to be happy with just one stall, but then I started craving the two and three stall models you find in hospitals and restaurants.<br />
<br />
Never able to replicate the first high I got with my seat flipping, I had to think bigger, so I picked up rubber gloves, a bucket, a ‘closed for cleaning’ sign, and headed to the airport. <br />
"All clean!" I’d chirp at the men waiting in line innocently for their now toilet-seat-down thrones.<br />
<br />
Not only have I saved countless lives, but also as a toilet seat mastermind, I have the foolproof method for never getting caught. After all, I'm pretending to clean guy's toilets.<i> They never think they're dirty. </i><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">*</span>On the other hand, I weigh less when dehydrated.<br />
<br /></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com73tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1483920112239414417.post-15496636450135943372015-10-23T17:01:00.001-04:002016-02-03T17:53:56.880-05:00Male Grocery disease - A Public Health Statement<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: 14pt;"><br /></span></span>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNBD2ajYUJ-ba6xzhIedb8hII1UEcq6BDvD2Cfo_jb0BwfFNY1pSd5RANZ8mkJSNliU7k2TBVNc8eqxdFnqWTyCzrTBYe9vXKbTMjOe6OSjV4hOhf48JRv0RegVlvXpP7N75FC1VZ0zDNE/s1600/1185768.large.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="385" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNBD2ajYUJ-ba6xzhIedb8hII1UEcq6BDvD2Cfo_jb0BwfFNY1pSd5RANZ8mkJSNliU7k2TBVNc8eqxdFnqWTyCzrTBYe9vXKbTMjOe6OSjV4hOhf48JRv0RegVlvXpP7N75FC1VZ0zDNE/s640/1185768.large.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: 14pt;"><br /></span>
<h3 style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: 19px;">If you're confused because your guy came home from the grocery store with everything but what you had on the list, you are not alone. A new study shows an epidemic of Male Grocery disease, and in response, the NIH has published this statement: </span></span></h3>
<br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: 19px;"><br /></span></span>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
Since its first description, Male Grocery disease has gone
from a rarely reported disorder to one of the most common causes of marital
discord. It was first termed in the early 1970s when women, questioning gender
roles, began rejecting elements of the domestic servitude standards of marriage
and insisted their husbands were capable of buying groceries (later studies
disproved toxic fumes from burning bras as a root cause).<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
The increasing proportion of women seeking treatment in the
U.S. population from the trauma of Male Grocery disease reinforces the urgent
need for prevention and treatment of this chronic illness. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
To date, numerous studies have attempted to describe the
causes and factors associated with Male Grocery disease, generating an
abundance of theories on potential risk factors and therapies. An elevated
Testosterone level is the strongest known risk factor to date.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
In the absence of a cure, it is strongly suggested that
women refer to the Braxton-Beergoggle Key for a better understanding of the disease, and as a protective measure for their mental health. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<u>BRAXTON-BEERGOGGLE KEY</u><br />
Milk=Beer<o:p></o:p><br />
Water=Soda</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
Bread=Donuts</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
Eggs=Nacho Cheese Dip</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
Butter=Ice Cream</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
Cheese=Pizza</div>
Crackers=Oreos<br />
Fruit=Pop Tarts<br />
Diet Coke=Regular Coke<br />
Chicken=Frozen Hot Wings<br />
Pasta= Chef Boyardee Ravioli<br />
Laundry Detergent=Bleach<br />
<br />
The only 100% effective treatment is abstinence, so plan accordingly.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br /></div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1483920112239414417.post-1615066119894390872015-08-18T09:44:00.001-04:002015-08-18T09:44:53.928-04:00Margaret Robison, Unfiltered<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhjzsyS0yCMJRDykG6sr5EnP-AhSeBkrVr11m5ZRf8KUc9GO8L4xKMYPGBszKuzOYijUe_5YrbSJryXG1qV8gsWcSeyehd-VatafgkfVjB2qLIHyRRSL08VeAT2J24wRVCkIm_-zlJ_HVjr/s1600/IMG_0173.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhjzsyS0yCMJRDykG6sr5EnP-AhSeBkrVr11m5ZRf8KUc9GO8L4xKMYPGBszKuzOYijUe_5YrbSJryXG1qV8gsWcSeyehd-VatafgkfVjB2qLIHyRRSL08VeAT2J24wRVCkIm_-zlJ_HVjr/s320/IMG_0173.jpg" width="219" /></a></div>
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Of course I was supposed to despise my mother-in-law. Everyone expects that. MIL hatred is mostly society-sanctioned, and MILs rank high on the scale of those we love to hate. Cosby high.</div>
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I was barely six years old when I met my first MIL on<i> The Flintstones</i>. </div>
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“I like my mother-in-law, I like my mother-in-law,” Fred chanted while psyching himself up for her visit. <i>She isn’t likeable at all</i>, I thought with my kindergarten brain. <o:p></o:p></div>
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Later, I squirted milk from my nose laughing at MIL jokes:<br />
Q: What do you have when your MIL is covered in concrete up to her shoulders?<o:p></o:p></div>
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A: Not enough concrete!<o:p></o:p></div>
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Then too, I had <i>Running With Scissors </i>and<i> Look Me In The Eye </i>to consider – bestselling memoirs written by both my brother-in-law and my husband. One was sensationalist and one was just blunt, but both are indelibly imprinted on society’s perception of Margaret Robison, perhaps unfairly, depending on your perspective.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Appreciating Margaret was simpler for me. Without childhood hurts coloring my view, I didn’t have to climb the hill of forgiveness first, like I did with my own mother (and she with me). Margaret was a seriously talented artist and poet, parented by a generation that valued those skills in only the tightest of contexts; parameters she would not be able to meet.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Margaret was raised in Georgia, a kind of pseudo southern belle (which she abhorred - except for genteel manners and the drawl, which she adored). Like the rest of her peers, she was expected to find a husband in college and defer to him. It was a tall order, even before she knew she was gay.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Wives in the 60s forsook other dreams to become domestic servants and mothers, whether they were suited to it or not. Plainly, servitude was not Margaret’s forte. Was she a good mother? Who gets to judge that? I wouldn't have wanted to walk in her shoes. Back then manic depression was not a celebrity-endorsed mental illness. It was shameful, and you got locked up. And despite her bipolar disorder, Margaret had plenty of parental regrets, like the rest of us who’ve raised kids. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWm-g-OxUszuM3STP9zZ5_xujxW7R6x36e7HPzVKnISR_SWIO3pPTHD1WVHpk9cY5c_wQyje8J4xBva5FiByvu4CGMRejFKghrzXh8LsWPwdjj14UH3-OuibwxcwSP2iST58DM0EQzeisg/s1600/IMG_0170.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="152" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWm-g-OxUszuM3STP9zZ5_xujxW7R6x36e7HPzVKnISR_SWIO3pPTHD1WVHpk9cY5c_wQyje8J4xBva5FiByvu4CGMRejFKghrzXh8LsWPwdjj14UH3-OuibwxcwSP2iST58DM0EQzeisg/s200/IMG_0170.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
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Saint? Hardly. Like others of Margaret’s generation, when the floodgates of personal freedom opened in the 70s all of the <i>‘don’t do’s’ </i>became possible. Now, you could get divorced. You could be an artist, a poet, a lesbian. Now, you didn’t have to defer, you could create your own context, and be true to yourself. Selfishness was a common overcorrection, paving the way for the Me Generation to come. <o:p></o:p></div>
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What I admired about Margaret was her talent and her sheer determination to overcome: the death of two siblings; marriage to an abusive alcoholic (he sobered up and successfully remarried ); her mental illness, hospitalizations, and misplaced trust in a crazy therapist (who later lost his license); having a stroke and being wheelchair bound for decades; public humiliation over not one, but two famous books by her children; a sad estrangement from her younger son.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Margaret contributed her own pain demonstrating forgiveness. She did forgive, completely, and she did it without redemption or by being forgiven herself. That's more than a hill to climb. </div>
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It might be hard to reconcile the woman I’ve described with the dramatic portrayal of <i>mother as monster</i> in print. But at the end, with nothing to gain she told me: “I'm so grateful for you,” running the back of her fingers along my cheek and looking deeply into my eyes. <o:p></o:p></div>
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Margaret taught me that being with someone who’s dying is the most important job I might ever do; that sitting quietly, or whispering: “Everything will be all right,” is a feat to be cherished, to be proud of, to be grateful for.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Leaving this world is harder than coming in. Helping someone go is a lifetime of compassion learned.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Thank you Margaret. I loved you. </div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1483920112239414417.post-38537768331284376322015-02-02T06:36:00.001-05:002015-08-18T10:20:29.499-04:00I Want to Kill Siri<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Ask, But She Won't Tell </td></tr>
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It started innocently enough. One day, my son Julian sneakily told Siri to start calling me "King Hippo." I use Siri when I'm driving (hands free) to send text messages, read my email, and some of the other things promised above. So when Siri started calling me King Hippo, I overlooked the insult. But one day, I just couldn't take it any more.<br />
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<b>Me</b>: Send a text to John, Siri<br />
<b>Siri</b>: I'd be happy to do that, King Hippo<br />
<b>Me</b>: Don't call me King Hippo!<br />
<b>Siri</b>: I don't understand, Don't call me King Hippo<br />
<b>Me</b>: From now on call me Maripat, Siri<br />
<b>Siri</b>: I can't make changes to your contacts, you can do that in the contacts app<br />
<b>Me</b>: But my name is not King Hippo!<br />
<b>Siri</b>: I don't understand, But my name is not King Hippo<br />
<b>Me</b>: You don't understand much then, do you Siri?<br />
<b>Siri</b>: That's your opinion, King Hippo.<br />
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Naturally, I was incensed after this conversation, so I had a bag of Doritos. Our next run-in was bad:<br />
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<b>Me</b>: I need the address for the Post Office in Amherst Massachusetts, Siri<br />
<b>Siri</b>: I found two addresses, tap the one you are looking for<br />
<b>Me</b>: I can't, I'm driving<br />
<b>Siri</b>: I don't understand, I can't, I'm driving<br />
<b>Me</b>: I'm driving the car!<br />
<b>Siri</b>: I don't understand, I'm driving the car<br />
<b>Me</b>: That's because you're stupid and can't drive!<br />
<b>Siri</b>: That's your opinion, King Hippo.<br />
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Things went from bad to worse. It started to seem like Siri was purposely not answering my questions, causing me to stop at the Glazed Donut Shop <i>during the week .</i><br />
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<b>Me</b>: Tell me about Alamogordo, New Mexico, Siri<br />
<b>Siri</b>: Here's the map.<br />
<b>Me</b>: Can you look up the Wikipedia Page?<br />
<b>Siri</b>: Here's what I found on 'Wikipedia Page'<br />
<b>Me</b>: No, look up the Wikipedia page for Alamogordo, New Mexico, Siri<br />
<b>Siri</b>: Here's the Wikipedia page on 'Alamogordo, New Mexico'<br />
<b>Me</b>: Can you read it to me?<br />
<b>Siri</b>: Here's what I found on 'Can you read it to me,' King Hippo<br />
<b>Me</b>: I hate you Siri<br />
<b>Siri</b>: I'm really sorry, but I can't take any more requests right now. Please try again later.<br />
<b>Me: </b>I've had it! I'm turning you off!<br />
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I spent a few weeks including Siri in my lovingkindness meditation, and finally felt I was ready to try again. Call me paranoid, but here's what happened:<br />
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<b>Me</b>: I need the address for The Salvation Army in Hadley Massachusetts, Siri<br />
<b>Siri</b>: I'd prefer not to say<br />
<b>Me</b>: I don't care, I want the address<br />
<b>Siri</b>: Did I say you did?<br />
<b>Me</b>: I know you are, but what am I?<br />
<b>Siri:</b> You're King Hippo<br />
<b>Me:</b> Says you<br />
<b>Siri</b>: Here's the address for The Glazed Donut shop, King Hippo<br />
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I'm afraid my relationship with Siri is totally ruined now. Julian stopped her from calling me King Hippo, but it's too late. Last night I even had a nightmare about her.<br />
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<b>Me:</b> I need you to call 911, Siri<br />
<b>Siri:</b> I found 26 locations that match 911... should I read them to you?<br />
<b>Me:</b> Aarrgh!<br />
<b>Siri</b>: Are you choking on a donut...King Hippo?<br />
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1483920112239414417.post-45767821624953174062014-10-31T22:20:00.000-04:002014-10-31T22:36:05.483-04:00Spa-tastic<div style="text-align: left;">
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><h4>
BEFORE</h4>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiPEKKBKo4p1R-NyqntNqY0b4p-ShPYgYZ4C7XqDIAvEQTAwwSooPkwrABt-QWz2IaiCg64hyV92WBVloeVI1CuMHrlfn6DU0uzZzB9RAFHWNjC9M3lwvmdbvu74x4NwR-nfBikL7Mt8mWb/s1600/Jacquelyn+Martin:APPhoto.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiPEKKBKo4p1R-NyqntNqY0b4p-ShPYgYZ4C7XqDIAvEQTAwwSooPkwrABt-QWz2IaiCg64hyV92WBVloeVI1CuMHrlfn6DU0uzZzB9RAFHWNjC9M3lwvmdbvu74x4NwR-nfBikL7Mt8mWb/s1600/Jacquelyn+Martin:APPhoto.jpg" height="192" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><h4>
AFTER (Jacquelyn Martin/AP Photo)</h4>
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Admit it, wouldn't you just love to be in the spa right now having the calluses nibbled off your feet by epidermis-eating fishes?</div>
<br />
Some people think that's narcissistic, but I say: get back to your tree hugging. Isn't it every one's right to spend copious amounts of money on ridiculous self-indulgence? Why give it away feeding hungry children? Fish need to eat too, and you can get smooth heels in the process.<br />
<br />
Using my new brain, Google, I found these real spa treatments that any self-absorbed, fully fed citizen can have. <br />
<br />
Japanese Body Ritual - Your body is polished with bamboo and ginger, rinsed with yuzu, sea algae, and then scented with rice bran and wild cherry blossoms. A massage with wild-lime oil and plum blossom body butter completes the experience.<br />
<b>This just makes me hungry.</b><br />
<br />
Naga - Using strands of colored silk, the therapist hangs from
the ceiling while wrapping and supporting your body,
taking you into deep stretches. Shifting weight and pressure, her feet are used to conduct deep muscle massage.<br />
<b>I'm worried the therapist will hang <i>herself </i>when she sees me naked. </b><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Tok Sen - a Thai massage, stretching combined with
rhythmic tapping on the energy lines of your body with a special wooden hammer. Deep vibrations work to release energy blockages,
stimulate circulation, promoting relaxation and re-balance.<br />
<b style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 12pt;">OK, as long as it was a <i>special </i>wooden hammer. I wouldn't be able to relax if it was just a regular hammer.</b><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 12pt;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Vinotherapy - Using red wine grapes, your body is infused with
antioxidants and anti-aging polyphenols. A red wine greeting, grape seed oil massage,
Shiraz body scrub, red wine body mask, Pinot Noir facial and a Shiraz face and
body smoother will leave you feeling luxuriously renewed.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>...And probably drunk.</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><br /></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Hakali - A warm mixture of
prickly pear cactus and Mexican liquor are applied to your body using
spine-free paddles from the cactus plant. The use of cactus can help remove toxins and quench
dehydrated skin to leave you feeling rejuvenated.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>I think it would be better </b><b>for my </b><b>cellulite if they didn't use the spine-free paddles.</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><br /></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">If you want the spa treatment, but feel guilty about the starving kids, there's a solution. <i>Global Finance </i>lists Kinshasa as the poorest country in the world, so let's do it there.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">Kinshasa - Yes it's the Congo, but don't worry, they speak French. Your body is wrapped in aluminum foil and dunked in the Congo River, attracting carnivorous giant tiger fish that will rid you of any unsightly body parts you've come to despise. The fish (and any vestige of visible body hair) will be swept away in the Inga Falls, landing you on an ancient rubber plantation, where you'll be covered in latex, peeled, and finally bathed in palm oil, single-handedly reviving the obligatory planting policies of the late 1920s and saving the local economy. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">With this new treatment, everyone will be fed, fishes AND children. And we can all feel good about ourselves. It'll be Spa-tastic.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1483920112239414417.post-52825293874256946442014-07-08T03:13:00.000-04:002014-07-08T03:28:33.642-04:00Burka Beach Party<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgWG6JyNvIkkQm8Bg5ncDr5llT6t_I6Aw8kYvlutGYbi_WTBYGen0t5TL1W_OYxnUqMmuJr5nyplAO_Zshy0H1-_QeCb-VQ8NckajiwRlRVOQzdnRyQC5cMdYp7WdssRyn9_RvDlcr9y4nA/s1600/burka+suit.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgWG6JyNvIkkQm8Bg5ncDr5llT6t_I6Aw8kYvlutGYbi_WTBYGen0t5TL1W_OYxnUqMmuJr5nyplAO_Zshy0H1-_QeCb-VQ8NckajiwRlRVOQzdnRyQC5cMdYp7WdssRyn9_RvDlcr9y4nA/s1600/burka+suit.jpg" height="310" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">THE HOTTEST I'VE EVER LOOKED</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
Does this burka make my butt look big? My sister said it doesn't, but we're pretty competitive. Believe me, it took a long time to pick it out. I had help from the media though, like the advice on the magazine covers I read while I was waiting to pay for some cupcakes at the grocery store. Sometimes these headlines are comforting to me. For instance, it made me feel better to know there was an "All Play Way to Torch Calories!" I almost bought that issue, but didn't think watching <i>Jeopardy</i> was going to be considered as an All Play category, so I passed.<br />
<br />
BATHING SUIT. They have to be in that order, but when they are, those two words have tortured me, TORTURED ME, to infinity and beyond. The prospect of buying something with Lycra to wear on the beach is like getting wrapped in a thermal blanket on the way to hell, and then eternally toasting marshmallows only others' can eat. (Although, who cares if there aren't chocolate bars and graham crackers to sandwich them in between?)<br />
<br />
Yes, I know my body type. <i>She's got such a pretty face;</i> <i>She's big-boned like my aunt; </i>although I don't think I ever attained, <i>She's big. </i> I was a pear until I got boobs, and then I became an ice cream cone — 38D on top and size 6 on the bottom. OK, the size 6 is shoes. But I think the fruit lobby paid off the medical industry with that apple and pear business anyway. How fair is it that clothes are only advertised on people shaped like bananas? It's not even a category!<br />
<br />
For years, I unsuccessfully followed a three-step program for try-on days:<br />
1. Wear control top panty hose and high heels<br />
2. Hit the tanning bed and worry about cancer, not fat<br />
3. Watch the weather - power outages provide dimmer lighting<br />
<br />
Celebrity swimsuit designer Liz Hurley says that great cover-ups are every woman's 'secret weapon.' Another top tip from Liz is that most women feel okay in a bathing suit when they are lying flat. The night before Liz goes to the beach she has a snack at 6 p.m. <i>and skips dinner. </i> What's more, she avoids salty foods and carbonated drinks. Maybe then she doesn't have to go to the bathroom and can keep lying flat on the beach and looking thin. That's never worked for me. I always end up having to go, and it's hard to suck in my stomach with a full bladder. Liz says she eats very little during the day except "... boring snacks like a banana or six raisins." She admits, "The only meal I have, is dinner." So even with the starvation, Liz wears a white shirt over her bikini. I'll bet that's to cover up some jiggly arm fat she got from eating the banana. Or the six raisins. She does look smart with the book, though.<br />
<br />
But I digress. I took every woman's secret weapon to my bathing suit tryout this year and ended up with this burka. It looks better when I'm lying down.<br />
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1483920112239414417.post-74654093172256875452014-04-25T17:20:00.000-04:002014-05-13T23:00:09.864-04:00Social Media Ate My Homework<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjGn8O-6RkeVn2Rj1mynvxcGzM-pFWo1SpbLiQtTADA8jtNycOqdkUL_7pnp7nVEM3dQ8mZhOFphH4_PjS0qaBl5xrmxFXr4KRp9fKmjFrqvxdW1iJ8hzJXFu8yBT8nJUURAkPl98VMGjv6/s1600/no+twitter.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjGn8O-6RkeVn2Rj1mynvxcGzM-pFWo1SpbLiQtTADA8jtNycOqdkUL_7pnp7nVEM3dQ8mZhOFphH4_PjS0qaBl5xrmxFXr4KRp9fKmjFrqvxdW1iJ8hzJXFu8yBT8nJUURAkPl98VMGjv6/s1600/no+twitter.jpg" height="200" width="200" /></a></div>
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<b style="text-align: left;">12:00A</b><span style="text-align: left;"> Gave up scrolling fruitlessly through titles on Netflix, went to bed</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="text-align: left;"><br /></span></div>
<b>12:05A </b> Considered not washing face; <i>dammi</i>t <span style="font-style: italic;">mascara<b>,</b></span><b style="font-style: italic;"> </b>washed face<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<b>2:00A</b> Woke up from dream about eating eclair; ate eclair<br />
<br />
<b>7:00A</b> Standard wake up: John saying, "Feed me?"<br />
<br />
<b>8:00A</b> Compose stellar<b> 'To Do' </b>list, best ever<br />
<br />
<b>8:15A</b> Admire list<br />
<br />
<b>8:30A</b> Basic grooming; yoga pants; walk dogs<br />
<br />
<b>9:15A </b>Miss <b>yoga class</b>, cross off list<br />
<br />
<b>9:30A</b> Check <b>email</b>, new followers on Twitter, I should thank them...<br />
<br />
<h3>
<b style="background-color: red;">LOUD SUCKING NOISE </b></h3>
<b><br /></b>
<b>12:30P </b><i>What? 12:30?? Who peed on the floor?! </i><br />
<br />
<b>1:00P</b> Cross off <b>walk dogs</b><i> </i>from list<b> </b><br />
<br />
<b>1:08P </b>Eat lunch, erase a few items on list<br />
<br />
<b>1:12P </b><i> Watched 'picking paint' on YouTube,</i> cross off <b>paint hallway</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>1:14P </b>This week's<b> </b><i style="font-weight: bold;">New Yorker </i>digital available - Kinsley article great, <i>should share this...</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<br />
<h3>
<b style="background-color: red;">LOUD SUCKING NOISE </b></h3>
<b style="background-color: red;"><br /></b><b>4:30P </b><i>What?? Dammit!</i> Walk dogs, start <b>laundry</b><br />
<b><br /></b><b>5:15P</b> Edit list - erase <b>pay bills, </b>write in<b> buy shed, </b>cross off<b> buy shed</b><br />
<b><br /></b><b>5:20P </b>Vacuum potato chip crumbs from couch, cross off <b>vacuum house</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>5:30P </b>Get out box of macaroni & cheese for dinner, cross off <b>cook dinner</b><br />
<br />
<b>5:50P </b><i> Almost forgot! </i>Cross off <b>laundry</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>6:00P </b>Tell everyone I worked on blog, sneak upstairs to <b>shred list</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1483920112239414417.post-40944997894526169652014-04-01T23:53:00.000-04:002016-01-15T20:24:26.129-05:00Remembering Mary<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2oSpM9DXjoYxlJaKb9QSb2FT-q9rKzdMCZNDNQWtVHlrtWIXKycJd8GbUetUqACTsS3dcVooiQPXm2JlZgAOYD3OntAEJmcexk2tI6tTMv4FG2evBmQlgqzGe69xZr_3dz5lJrTh-cQl5/s1600/LITTLE+BEAR.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2oSpM9DXjoYxlJaKb9QSb2FT-q9rKzdMCZNDNQWtVHlrtWIXKycJd8GbUetUqACTsS3dcVooiQPXm2JlZgAOYD3OntAEJmcexk2tI6tTMv4FG2evBmQlgqzGe69xZr_3dz5lJrTh-cQl5/s1600/LITTLE+BEAR.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">LITTLE BEAR</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">The day
that Mary died, I ate a cheese Danish, a square of pecan pie, an entire bag of
Lays and two vanilla cokes. Real cokes, not diet ones. She would understand
this. If that horrifies you, read no further.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">In her
honor, I also watched 3 episodes of the first season of Star Trek that were
made when she and I were just nine years old, and lived almost a thousand miles
apart. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Even
with that distance, our lives were so similar that we could have been two
facing sides in a Rorschach inkblot. We were both smart, and we loved to read
more than anything else on the planet. (Except maybe to eat <span style="mso-bidi-font-style: italic;">while</span> we were reading, especially if
the character was chewing on something delicious we could replicate.) <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Mary
and I were both the babies of our families, and our older sibs thought we were
pretty spoiled. But we talked about that and agreed they didn’t know what they
were talking about. We were just really wonderful as kids.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Were we
‘pugnacious,’ as John has stated? We didn’t think so, because that was just one
facet of our personalities. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It helped us
to defend ourselves from brothers locking us in closets and later came in handy
fighting for our kids and helping the underdogs we liked to represent. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">We were
also about the same age when our parents divorced; something that was really,
really hard for us. There was stigma back then when you had a broken family,
and we both felt as if we needed to defend their actions to others by denying
our own broken hearts.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Mary was my husband John's first wife, and we met in December of 2010, when she and my stepson Jack came to my house for Christmas Eve.
John and I had just started dating. I always have an open house on Christmas
Eve, and wanted to invite Jack, but not make him choose which parent he'd spend the
holiday with. That meant inviting Mary too, so I did. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Mary
and I ended up spending the entire night in my kitchen, laughing hysterically.
We shared the same sense of humor (typically the things teenage boys find
funny) and had so much in common it was almost shocking.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I guess
it’s no wonder we ended up with the same husband (thankfully not at the same
time). We did have fun with that though. When I was Mary’s guest at the
shooting range, I filled out the relationship line with “Sister Wife.” We hooted
over that, and used that phrase a lot down the road, taking great pleasure in
our nontraditional relationship.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">So Mary
and I developed our own sisterhood – one independent of John, independent of
family dinners and kids. We became the closest of friends, sharing confidences,
hopes and fears. We ate cream puffs at the Big E, went on a road trip to
Pensacola (fighting only a little) and looked out for each other. It extended
our families in the most beautiful way.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">We
celebrated all holidays, birthdays, and special occasions together, succeeding
in putting our own broken families together again. We folded each other’s
laundry, cooked, helped the kids and sometimes snapped at each other – just
like anyone else in a family. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">We lent
each other a sympathetic ear, sometimes about her former and my present
husband. She’d say “Oh, that’s just John being John,” punctuated with an evil
grin, adding, “And I don’t have to be married to him, because you are, ha, ha!”
Can you imagine what a gift it was when I got to see them profess real love for
each other at the end? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I was
by Mary’s side at two of the most painful moments of her life – when the Dr.
told her she had leukemia, and just weeks later when she told her son that she
couldn’t go on fighting, and he’d have to let her go. My heart breaks at those
memories, yet I am so grateful that she loved and trusted me enough to have me
there at those unbelievably vulnerable times.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">But
back to Star Trek, 48 years after it began, and the bag of Lays washed down
with a way-too-sweet drink. In episode 5, under the influence of a virus that
simulated drunkenness, Mr. Spock cries, and later tells Captain Kirk, “My
mother… I could never tell her I loved her. An earth woman… living on a planet where
love, emotion… was bad taste.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">During
Mary’s hospital stay, I had the honor of seeing Jack tell his mom he loved her,
too many times to count. They were beyond close. She put every single drop of
love she could into bringing him up. Not perfectly, because there is no such
thing as a perfect parent, only people without kids giving advice they
themselves couldn’t follow. Once, when someone online intimated that Mary was a
bad mother, I had to be physically restrained. They were very, very wrong.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Being
with Mary over the last seven weeks was so painful, yet not without its gifts. I
got to see that there were hundreds of people who loved her. I got to meet and
bond with her sister Karen, who I now love as my own. I watched as women who
have known and loved her for years tenderly looked out for her, and united, we
all held hands and supported her to the end. They are now my friends as well.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Mary
was the most authentic woman I have ever known, and I loved her and all that
she stood for. She was brilliant, kind, adventurous, irreverent and
intellectual. She was also a woman who laughed at fart jokes. At the end,
everything but the love just falls away.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com20tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1483920112239414417.post-2772415994114746672014-02-04T15:34:00.001-05:002016-04-10T22:56:34.078-04:00The Cement Truck<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiS6tm3kPbVRxvDgdrIuvRVwiharSq5lqCLOwaoXXgC9Xh9FgzBhhnUv9SBScthWgWEDu7dESLeWvUt7_OXc3EGnYHisixXr5Fs_tyMYbizE5PQy14-fdlnEW_fo8LpWrTDrBueN4c1MqJ8/s1600/Cement+Truck.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="126" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiS6tm3kPbVRxvDgdrIuvRVwiharSq5lqCLOwaoXXgC9Xh9FgzBhhnUv9SBScthWgWEDu7dESLeWvUt7_OXc3EGnYHisixXr5Fs_tyMYbizE5PQy14-fdlnEW_fo8LpWrTDrBueN4c1MqJ8/s1600/Cement+Truck.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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One of the highlights of the geek social season is the IEEE
holiday dinner. The Institute of Electrical and Electronics Engineers promised
an exciting and stimulating night. The room would be packed with people,
perhaps talking about reducing the carbon cost of cloud computing. In
preparation, <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I read an article in the
association's magazine. It gave me a headache.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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"It's good to have an appealing looking mate for these
type of events," John observed, as we walked in the door and I removed my coat.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
"Really? Is that a compliment?” I was surprised he'd
noticed the effort I'd made to look less like I cleaned cat litter boxes for a
living, and more like a former TV executive.<o:p></o:p></div>
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"I think it's a practical observation on the way you
look tonight," he said. “You know, more like a sports car than a
cement truck." John was oblivious to the offensiveness of this simile, but
I was used to that.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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"What kind of sports car? A Miata or a Jaguar?"<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
"A Miata's not really a sports car, and a Jaguar might
be a little sleek for your body type."<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
"I think you should steer clear of talking about my
body type," I suggested, hoping he would appreciate the pun.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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"I thought you'd be pleased you don't look like a
cement truck.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> Cement trucks are often under-rated," he continued. "</span>Did you realize the
expression ‘the whole nine yards’ comes from a reference to the capacity of a
cement truck?" No, I didn’t. <i>Was he
trying to tell me something?</i><br />
<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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We settled in, but I suspected I was in trouble when the
president took the mike. He cleared his throat and said, "Good evening
everyone. I just wanted to let you know we have a pretty full program tonight.
First, I'll go over the agenda, and then we'll hear from each of the committee
heads. After that, we'll give out the awards, and finally, we'll have a
presentation on the history of our group. So, lets get started, could
we dim the lights?" Apparently, they couldn't, which was greatly ironic.<o:p></o:p></div>
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I’m not kidding when I tell you that the first slide was
titled "Agenda," and he read it line-by-line using his laser pointer
to highlight each of the items he had already described when he first took the
podium.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I glanced around at the sea of
faces, all with rapt expressions, and then pinched myself, hard, under the
table.<o:p></o:p></div>
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I don't know how many cups of coffee I drank
that night, but I was more charged than an ultra high voltage
transformer, and despite my buzz, my chin
relentlessly sought my chest like crows diving to road kill.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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Each text-crammed slide (white space, people!) was read out
loud by the presenter in its entirety. I tried not to skip ahead, I really did.
But I'm a fast reader, so I decided that I would augment each page with a quick
count of items in the room. I inventoried people, silverware, entree types,
sugar packets, ceiling tiles and bottles at the bar. I imagined how many toes
there might be under each table, looking closely for canes and anything else
that might indicate an amputation.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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Each committee leader outlined their accomplishments. There
were speeches from the award winners, endless rounds of applause, and too much
lag time while the people in the back moved forward to receive their kudos.
Would it never end?<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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When we got to the final speaker, I was acutely reminded
that coffee is a diuretic. I kept waiting for a pause in the presentation, so I
could get to the bathroom, but no break came. I thought, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">the next time he says engineer, I will go.</i> But then, not wanting to
interrupt the year-by-year recitation of member counts and dues paid that started with 1964, I resolved; <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">as soon as he gets
to 1988, I will go. I will go when he gets to 1994. When he reaches 2005, I
will go. I will go, I will go.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
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<br /></div>
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Finally, a glimmer of hope! The President had stepped up to
the stage and looked at his watch saying, "I'm afraid we've gone over.
This is fascinating though, should we continue?" <i>No</i>, I screamed
internally, rupturing several minor veins in my nose. No! No!<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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I nudged John with my foot. "Why are you kicking me,”
he said loudly, putting the entire table on alert. "I didn't kick
you," I protested, turning the same color as my ruptured veins. "Yes
you did," he insisted, "stop it, I'm trying to listen." I stood
up, sure that I was going to pee right there on the floor. "Excuse
me," I mumbled, and slinking out of the room, fairly galloped down the
hall to the bathroom.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I'm never, ever going
back</i>, I told myself. Sitting in the ladies room, I vowed that I wouldn't endure one more second of torture. Minutes passed, and I listened
intently for a sign the party was breaking up. Twenty minutes later,
there was a knock the door. It was John. "Let's go, he insisted, “I've
been waiting for ten minutes. What were you doing in there? You always take so
long, it's a good thing I'm patient at events like this."<o:p></o:p></div>
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And that is when I ran him over. I was a cement truck after
all.<o:p></o:p></div>
</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1483920112239414417.post-10490748183490138772013-12-23T09:01:00.001-05:002014-01-08T13:05:35.302-05:00A Gift For Her<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi4FF8_M6Gec8_SGuy-Sk7jbj-IIch47_qFHp9xU68zTNq6pykkK__635a7HQw-4HTqmOzpKIg6QSymt4T9rg41zg3HycSqzJwzLipxu7ZNAotU0Gnjmyun37mjeeumxSNcgcjxTTNB252p/s1600/Amazing.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi4FF8_M6Gec8_SGuy-Sk7jbj-IIch47_qFHp9xU68zTNq6pykkK__635a7HQw-4HTqmOzpKIg6QSymt4T9rg41zg3HycSqzJwzLipxu7ZNAotU0Gnjmyun37mjeeumxSNcgcjxTTNB252p/s1600/Amazing.jpg" height="400" width="309" /></a></div>
<br />
If you waited until the last minute to get her gift (and you know you did), check out this inaugural issue of <i>You Are Amazing! </i> Unfortunately, giving this magazine does not substitute for jewelry, or anything else she wants. Browse the articles below and order today!<br />
<b><i><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></i></b>
<b><i><span style="font-family: inherit;">Husband Remembers Anniversary And Buys Present, Unprompted</span></i></b><br />
<b><i><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></i></b>
<b><i><span style="font-family: inherit;">Man Picks Up Socks!</span></i></b><br />
<b><i><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></i></b><b><i><span style="font-family: inherit;">Family Thanks You For Everything You Do</span></i></b><br />
<b><i><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></i></b><b><i><span style="font-family: inherit;">Guy Skips Night Out With Buddies To Do Laundry</span></i></b><br />
<b><i><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></i></b><b><i><span style="font-family: inherit;">Men Sick Of Football</span></i></b><br />
<b><i><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></i></b><b><i><span style="font-family: inherit;">The Art Of Deflecting Nightly Advances</span></i></b><br />
<b><i><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></i></b><b><i><span style="font-family: inherit;">Shopping Cures PMS</span></i></b><br />
<b><i><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></i></b><b><i><span style="font-family: inherit;">He Left The Toilet Seat Down!</span></i></b><br />
<b><i><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></i></b><b><i><span style="font-family: inherit;">Kid's Room Is Spotless,Without Nagging</span></i></b><br />
<b><i><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></i></b><b><i><span style="font-family: inherit;">Boyfriend Says "No Thanks" To Video Games</span></i></b><br />
<b><i><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></i></b>
<b><i>Proof Varicose Veins Come From Too Much Sex</i></b><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1483920112239414417.post-33182847348539400062013-11-04T23:50:00.000-05:002013-11-05T00:00:32.672-05:00How To Burn Calories<br />
<div style="text-align: left;">
</div>
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhpl9VNSoMJtzyBLzA5lTSwdZXQYkzq24ps-3pJmqwJ9VTtqNAW-uq7nYpSdcyqU2LcTiios4TYy6gBv9EhrOYKSQRFEaiQ5kFl91UWE9xJdGvP2kMA4BmaOItLTCC9ELrPXbY27OJ3LboW/s1600/burned-popcorn.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhpl9VNSoMJtzyBLzA5lTSwdZXQYkzq24ps-3pJmqwJ9VTtqNAW-uq7nYpSdcyqU2LcTiios4TYy6gBv9EhrOYKSQRFEaiQ5kFl91UWE9xJdGvP2kMA4BmaOItLTCC9ELrPXbY27OJ3LboW/s320/burned-popcorn.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><h2>
SCRATCH & SNIFF</h2>
</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<div style="text-align: left;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
I didn’t know the popcorn sensor wasn’t working, so I was
confident that in 3 minutes, I would have a delicious 100 calorie bag of kettle
corn. But when I took it out it might have been slightly burned. Honestly, the
lights were off so I didn't know for sure. I just
know it wasn't burned like the time my mom made it and lost her microwave
privileges at the assisted living center. THAT popcorn was burned to the point
that it set off smoke alarms, even after she threw it out the window. “They've got nothing on me," she insisted, "they can't prove it was my apartment, all that's left is a bag in a snowbank." “Mom,
your apartment reeks of burnt popcorn,” I scolded, “of course they’ll know
you did it.”<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Just so you know,
this is what it comes to. One day you’re tossing a joint out the window because
there’s a cop pulling up behind you, and the next you’re hurling burnt snacks into
the courtyard in a desperate attempt to keep your microwave oven. What’s worse,
your daughter might eventually write about it, causing you further
embarrassment (unless you’re dead and no longer embarrassed about such things).<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But back to my bag of kettle corn. It tasted ok, like it
was golden brown, but not really burned.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And if it was burned, maybe now it had less
than 100 calories, so I just kept eating. Later, I found out that people had
actually researched the caloric effect of burning.
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<!--StartFragment--><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: "MS 明朝"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">One opinion was that any type of cooking that
results in a "burning" should lower the calories present. </span><!--EndFragment-->Another dieter advised, “If you burn the
food, it tastes bad enough that you won't eat as much, thus leading to fewer
calories consumed.” But I've heard that burnt things are carcinogenic, so I think you should
just rub dirt on it instead for a better result. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
Now you can get 100 calorie sizes of just about anything; Oreos, Lorna Doones, and Chex Mix. The
science? The packaging is a safety feature guaranteed to block calories, because
if you have to open another pack, you might practice self-control. Say, in
between package number one and package number two you will think: <i>I’m
really satisfied with the 5 pieces of teddy grahams I just ate. I
don’t need another 5, and besides, what a hassle to open another pack. I think
I’ll just go to bed.</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
Why doesn’t my husband care about this? Yesterday
when we went out for breakfast, he had a chocolate croissant as an appetizer
before his cheese-loaded omelet, hash browns and way over-buttered slabs of
toast. And after that, he went home and had a piece of cherry pie with ice
cream. He doesn’t care about 100 calorie packs, doesn’t even know they exist, and
sometimes that really burns me up. Hey! Maybe…</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1483920112239414417.post-34387717935199233232013-10-24T06:06:00.000-04:002013-11-04T23:56:34.580-05:00Congress Has A Halloweenie <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
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<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhKeIgeA3yhTW91tQ91Sz4Ztr5ITCpvdO_Xj5EXXqGv2qnN0_VHofS3g-0pH8qxxJSvvzjdDekIMtEPcIfQpo1gEaReryuMOC1fYmSqcXo09xrL2z52oH9MM7_7uPNyHQ2TpGojZ35KFk4u/s1600/IMG_0214+halloweenie.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhKeIgeA3yhTW91tQ91Sz4Ztr5ITCpvdO_Xj5EXXqGv2qnN0_VHofS3g-0pH8qxxJSvvzjdDekIMtEPcIfQpo1gEaReryuMOC1fYmSqcXo09xrL2z52oH9MM7_7uPNyHQ2TpGojZ35KFk4u/s1600/IMG_0214+halloweenie.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><h2>
JOHN BOEHNER?</h2>
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There's a recent study that shows the odds you might be getting divorced based on your behavior this Halloween, right down to the costumes you wear and fight over. Take the test below and get ready to eat ALL the kid's candy this year, or maybe none, because you might be looking for a new mate.<br />
<br />
<br />
1. Your husband's best friend is having a huge Halloween party, so he came home with:<br />
a) a sexy french maid's costume b) handcuffs & leather speedo c) a burqa d) quart of milk<br />
<br />
2. At last year's Halloween party you were shocked when you found your:<br />
a) husband cleaning up b) handcuffs & leather speedo c) wife kissing a dwarf d) lost snickers bar<br />
<br />
3. You are always the one to take the kids (pugs, or cats) trick-or-treating because:<br />
a) first dibs on candy b) handcuffs & leather speedo c) you're the better driver<br />
d) french fries<br />
<br />
4. Decorating for Halloween is:<br />
a) fun b) handcuffs & leather speedo c) a good way to clean up the house d) candy corn<br />
<br />
5. You always dress as a clown because:<br />
a) you work in Congress b) handcuffs & leather speedo c) Pilsner beer d) it makes the dwarf feel better<br />
<br />
6. Halloween's a good time to get drunk because:<br />
a) french maid's costume looks better b) handcuffs & leather speedo c) there's no bad time d) Greek yogurt<br />
<br />
<i>If the majority of your answers were:</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>A's - The good news is one of every two might stay married. You're an average American, with a husband willing to clean up if only you'll wear the sexy french maid outfit. You religiously "test" your children's candy, because you have your favorites, and deserve to eat them. After all, who's doing the driving? On question three, you get to pick A and C ( See earlier blog, Can't Pass This). A final note; with all that candy, you'll look better as the french maid if there's lots of drinking going on.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>B's - It was a good thing you could keep the congressional gym open during the government shutdown because it's essential that you look your best in your costume of choice (B). Now put down that copy of </i><u>Fifty Shades</u><i> and get back to work, before we pass The Congressional Reform Act of 2013 and ask for a divorce.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>C's - 'C' as in "Can't stay Married." You're ashamed of your body, your wife's body, and you will probably fight over who gets to wear the burqa. Of course you found your wife kissing the dwarf because you drink Pilsner beer like a fish and drove her to it. Your idea of decorating is to empty your fridge out which is actually kind of smart because it's the scariest crap in the house.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>D's - mostly a cut and paste error from my fitness pal food diary. Enough said.</i>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1483920112239414417.post-39847584071078735892013-10-10T14:50:00.000-04:002013-12-17T18:22:13.575-05:00It's Official - I'm A Bot <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidBBdjYBYWN_UE9EsGY-QZIXEIIC-vzO_20m1gAn40nHbyAlO7Pipwn97fFD2R7oKPhV5YImJ4zeZDVWpgEq4QpYHb0iDarJ_h1kbcQAds6sFN91AwhCQwzzA8xXYfllgHzm4TC6qhIzxe/s1600/captcharev.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidBBdjYBYWN_UE9EsGY-QZIXEIIC-vzO_20m1gAn40nHbyAlO7Pipwn97fFD2R7oKPhV5YImJ4zeZDVWpgEq4QpYHb0iDarJ_h1kbcQAds6sFN91AwhCQwzzA8xXYfllgHzm4TC6qhIzxe/s1600/captcharev.jpg" /></a></div>
<br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I've just made a horrible discovery about myself.</span><span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Since I married John and started hanging out with
the </span>Aspergers<span style="font-family: inherit;"> crowd, I've gotten used to being maybe the 150th smartest person
in a room of 150 people. It's no big deal, even though I started out with such
promise, skipping the 3rd grade and all. I know that's a sad intellectual claim to </span>fame, but <span style="font-family: inherit;">I can
admit that I don't have the brainpower my mate has. So what if I'm not good at
puzzles, pattern recognition, or logic tests? </span><span style="font-family: inherit;"> I'm a great speller: </span><span style="font-family: inherit;">*ANTIDISESTABLISHMENTARIANISM*. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">It used to be that when
I was alone in the room, I was the smartest in the room. Really, really smart. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I'm sorry to say that's now been spoiled for me as well. You might know what I'm talking about. It's that
horrible CAPTCHA test I have to keep taking over and over to prove my intelligence
is not artificial. I fail it all the time. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">The first time it happened, I was
outraged. I had just written a series of witty and insightful remarks
countering an imbecilic post about how honesty is important in sex (wait
till you are 50+ standing naked in front of a window at 8 am, and we'll see how you feel about sexual honesty then, <i>Zach Rosenberg) </i>and
because I couldn't find a way to replicate those squirmy letters, I wasn't able to leave my comment. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Why? Why was I so bad at these? Unwilling to admit
that I had been skating by for years because I could surreptitiously check
definitions on my iPhone behind my napkin at the dinner table, I went right to
the source...Google Scholar...where I found this: <a href="http://link.springer.com/chapter/10.1007/3-540-39200-9_18#page-8">http://link.springer.com/chapter/10.1007/3-540-39200-9_18#page-8</a></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"> Finally, an explanation! After reading this fascinating chapter, I understand CAPTCHAs, and I don't have to add failing Turing tests to
my list of other insecurities (fatness, wrinkles, something-in-my-nose,
shortness, frumpiness, not-being-funny). </span><span style="font-family: inherit;">And if I ever do fail again, I have
another acronym: </span><b style="font-family: inherit;"><i>C</i></b><i style="font-family: inherit;">annot <b>A</b>ctually <b>P</b>rint <b>T</b>he
<b>C</b>rap <b>H</b>ere <b>A</b>ccurately, </i><span style="font-family: inherit;">so I won't have to feel too bad about being artificially intelligent, either.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEggmbbhyFYY1r9Jx2k_BxiMv8PSGrcm2FatHnztJuTj6OaKZvluz04WfUsBPJGVN82NLHD8_pK4iY0QHhSXd_Je7pWRtWAwaVcOQUQ7CxAbVVPjVjYxnD6KdmxR9JRbeHj3NvHDHSJT7wDC/s1600/Captcha.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEggmbbhyFYY1r9Jx2k_BxiMv8PSGrcm2FatHnztJuTj6OaKZvluz04WfUsBPJGVN82NLHD8_pK4iY0QHhSXd_Je7pWRtWAwaVcOQUQ7CxAbVVPjVjYxnD6KdmxR9JRbeHj3NvHDHSJT7wDC/s1600/Captcha.jpg" /></a></div>
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TAKE THE TEST - ARE YOU ARTIFICIALLY INTELLIGENT?</div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com15tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1483920112239414417.post-74328975654022720232013-09-26T02:25:00.000-04:002013-12-17T18:25:04.455-05:00Can't Pass This<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2wQVuhyphenhyphen3OE4J9d2HZtHcxvsoN4oFJpy3DS0wLgyWCwoS46QxTmgikLhRDXcEVpPH_f1M9bEYqbnGIXPqPB9t7R38hrziB-mCYcGgJB115KrQRzkizw8_IBTVU1YxDNhpR-tj4y9Y7b2iO/s1600/IMG_1817+follow+me+blue.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2wQVuhyphenhyphen3OE4J9d2HZtHcxvsoN4oFJpy3DS0wLgyWCwoS46QxTmgikLhRDXcEVpPH_f1M9bEYqbnGIXPqPB9t7R38hrziB-mCYcGgJB115KrQRzkizw8_IBTVU1YxDNhpR-tj4y9Y7b2iO/s1600/IMG_1817+follow+me+blue.jpg" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large; font-weight: normal;">Ten Ways To Know You Are Following Your Spouse's Car</span></h4>
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<span style="font-family: inherit; text-align: justify;"> </span><span style="font-family: inherit; line-height: 15px; text-align: justify;"> </span><span style="font-family: inherit; line-height: 15px; text-align: justify;">The car shoots out into traffic, leaving you no clear opening for the next 10 cars.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit; line-height: 15px;"> </span><span style="font-family: inherit; line-height: 15px;">The car runs a yellow light and you are stuck with the red.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit; line-height: 15px;"> You decide the number of cars </span><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="line-height: 15px;">between you is the number of </span></span><span style="line-height: 15px;">weeks before you</span><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="line-height: 15px;"> have sex again.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit; line-height: 15px;"> </span><span style="font-family: inherit; line-height: 15px;">You start to count how many times the car drifts across the center line, and also the </span><span style="font-family: inherit; line-height: 15px;">shoulder</span><span style="font-family: inherit; line-height: 15px;">.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit; line-height: 15px;"> </span><span style="font-family: inherit; line-height: 15px;">You find yourself estimating how closely the car is </span><span style="font-family: inherit; line-height: 15px;">tailgating</span><span style="font-family: inherit; line-height: 15px;"> the person in front of them. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit; line-height: 15px;"> </span><span style="font-family: inherit; line-height: 15px;">You mentally shout, "Stop tailgating!"</span><span style="font-family: inherit; line-height: 15px;"> </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit; line-height: 15px;"> The </span><span style="font-family: inherit; line-height: 15px;">car changes lanes and there's no room for you to do the same.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit; line-height: 15px; text-align: justify;"> </span><span style="font-family: inherit; line-height: 15px; text-align: justify;"> </span><span style="font-family: inherit; line-height: 15px; text-align: justify;">You are embarrassed that the car stays in the passing lane, even though it's causing a backup.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit; line-height: 15px;"> </span><span style="font-family: inherit; line-height: 15px;">You shout out loud, "Get over, some one's trying to pass," but nothing happens</span><span style="font-family: inherit; line-height: 15px;">.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit; line-height: 15px;"> </span><span style="font-family: inherit; line-height: 15px;">As soon as you can, you step on the gas and pass the car to demonstrate how to drive correctly.</span></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1483920112239414417.post-3697690850476315252013-09-22T11:55:00.000-04:002014-10-31T21:37:25.720-04:00Den Mother Dies<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEirwJXHN2k4q4dZSpgG_yhDqg38fZ6c9JqsfG3uq7U11cLq_Ol_7P9xTWm9ciMJpNxViFxTZ-vEUeecsw24KiFNKEjPjN63xo7u4P_9OHnjl3g9kAGz1KHXZSm3JrWDjlnxNLzHI9BclacU/s1600/The+Beat+Museum.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEirwJXHN2k4q4dZSpgG_yhDqg38fZ6c9JqsfG3uq7U11cLq_Ol_7P9xTWm9ciMJpNxViFxTZ-vEUeecsw24KiFNKEjPjN63xo7u4P_9OHnjl3g9kAGz1KHXZSm3JrWDjlnxNLzHI9BclacU/s1600/The+Beat+Museum.jpg" height="320" width="220" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Helvetica;">This is dedicated to Carolyn Cassady, who died Friday night. Quoting Brian Hassett, she was "The den mother to the entire Beat Generation." Jack Kerouac followed Neal and Carolyn to San Francisco, and the rest is... well, the rest.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica;">DUSTY SOLDIERS</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica;">I saw the soul of</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica;">San Francisco</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica;">at the Beat Museum</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica;">deep roots of</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica;">unapproved thought</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica;">dusty soldiers hijacked</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica;">by pseudo societies</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica;">silenced by full bellies </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica;">and treadmill-wearied brains.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica;">Now amoral consciences</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica;">step over bodies</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica;">on the street </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica;">pursuing nothing of value</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica;">as priceless currency.</span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1