Kevin McCarthy, The Anti-Ozempic

Kevin was worried, yes he was. His svelte master had stopped wearing his custom made Spanx from the Big & Fat Men’s Store and was now moping around, hardly eating at all.

“Master, master, you have to eat! Look at this delicious Mickey -Dee’s I brought you,” Kevin said, groveling and sputtering like the very best sycophant he was. “Have I not told you again and again? Your magnificent body doesn’t have to follow caloric rules!”

“Nobody loves me anymore,” T sulked. It’s twenty-two days since I’ve had any fun at all. No one salutes, or even prostrates on the floor! I can barely get them to notice the ketchup on the walls, or the endless briefs stopping up my beautiful golden bidets.”

T looked down at Kevin, who hit the floor like a missile to Iran. “All I have left is this list of small time donors. Whatever shall I do?”

“A selfie! A selfie!” Kevin clamored, “Your teeth are looking so pearly white today!”

This Is The Mirror He Used

 

A Majestic Eagle!

Practicing late into the night, a sweating Coke* by his side, T dropped his chin close to his neck so he could scowl from beneath his eyebrows, low to high, the opposite of what M had told him to do. He found he could tuck his neck skin right into his collar under his chin. Wouldn’t Mitch be jealous! 

 

I want to look like a hawk. A beautiful golden hawk, he thought, dropping his head a skosh and admiring the gold highlights on his hair and eyebrows. 

 

WAIT!! AN EAGLE! A MAJESTIC EAGLE! T practiced looking like an eagle all night, every night until he had the frown just so, the mouth small and mean. When he had it down, he moved to the other matter.

“Just tell them six foot three, two-hundred fifteen pounds, and leave the rest to me and the Republican Congressmen,” he said.

He did like to repeat himself.

 

 

 

*Don’t ever call it “DIET!” he’d screamed at the assistant who later realized the enormity, of her mistake.

The Hair Apparent

T’s mother was not a natural blonde, but she did have one of the mansion’s bedrooms dedicated entirely to her wigs. 

Honey blonde, strawberry, dirty, golden or ash, T’s mother wore them all, though she never went platinum, because T’s father thought that shade vulgar for a wife (though fine for a mistress). 

T’s mother despised Styrofoam head wig-stands, so she bought custom Cosmetology Mannequin Heads and commissioned a make-up artist to paint the faces. Mounted on marble pedestals, the heads dazzled with their cat-eyed liner, thick false eyelashes and pouty pink or coral lips. Only when the make-up was perfect, did T’s mother allow her hairdresser to place a styled blonde postiche on the head, and the room became a feast of beauty.

T adored his mother’s wig-room from the very beginning, when a frustrated nanny took him there to stop a tantrum. It worked immediately.

“Mommy?” he whispered, turning in a circle. A Baccarat chandelier scattered light across the room, ricocheting off the gold-veined mirrors. It seemed there were a thousand mommies. No matter they were bodiless, they all had beautiful hair.

The summer he was ten, whenever his mother left the house, T made a bee-line to the wig chamber. Opening the door, he thrilled to the gorgeous fake women inside. Then he kissed every one of the twenty-five stunners, right on their perfectly painted lips. 

“I’m T,” he’d breathe on them, leaning in quickly to steal his prize. Then he’d smooth their hair, marveling at the lustrous variety of colors and styles. One seemed a cascade of shiny 18k gold, spun into waves. Next, a soft cap of curls, wheat-colored and gleaming. T’s favorite wig was an elaborate updo with a yellow glossy pompadour swept low over the forehead. Someday, he thought. Someday.

How Many Doctors?

Dr. Swill

Dr. Schnoz

Dr. Laura Ignoramus

How Many Doctors?

Dr. Ignoramus:  Don't tell me! I wrote MY thesis on the effects of Insulin on Laboratory Rats. I'm a special, Specialist.

Dr. Swill: Don't know. I don't actually have a license to practice, I just exploit people's emotions on TV. And it's good money. Great, actually.

Dr. Schnoz: Hold up! I am a real medical doctor. I specialize in dieting, voodoo and yoga/kombucha. I am an actual MD. 

Dr. Ignoramus: Anyway, what's the point? We have Common Sense. And Common Sense says: People are going to die anyway, it's time to get the money rolling again.

Dr. Swill: You know, I just got an infinity-sized pool installed.

Dr Schnoz: Be careful with that. Lots of people, lots, lots, of people die by swimming pools. 

Dr. Ignoramus: And you heard it here, first!

Barr Claims Media Jihad Against Hydroxychloroquin

Attorney General Belly Barr

Barr says Trump has been the recipient of “snarky, gotcha questions from the White House media pool.” Questions like:

Reporter 1
Has there been an efficacy study on the drug?

Reporter 2
What about scientific trials?

Reporter 3
Are there side effects?

I'm Not a Doctor But I Have Common Sense

PRESIDENT TRUMPET PRACTICES

“FIVE MINUTES, MR. PRESIDENT.” 

“Ahem."

"Xi says, Xi says, covid no more."

"Saudi princes pay no prices, murder they can do."

"How many nukes would Kim Jung Un chuck, if Kim Jung Un could chuck nukes ?"

"Hi-drox-ee-kloro-quinn, Hi-drox-ee-kloro-quinn. Nothing lost by doing it, nothing lost by doing it."

"I’ve seen things that I sort of like. So what do I know? I'm not a doctor. I'm not a doctor, but I have Common Sense."

"But, Hi-drox-ee-Kloro-quinn. Try it, if you'd like.”

"Whaduh ya have to lose?" 

A Perfect Convo

PRESIDENT TRUMPET

    VS.

 

CORONA KING

DT: Lissen, Mr. Corona, do you prefer Corona King, or Corona Virus?

CK: Unghh

DT: Right. I'm just going to call you Spot. You know, I felt you were a pandemic long before you were even called a pandemic.

CV: Unghh

DT: Very much under control in the USA? I never said that! I said you were a very contagious virus!

CK: Unghh

DT:  Look, I’ve barely slowed you down at all. Think about it. Inadequate testing, that was me. And I encouraged people to go out for as long as I could!

CV: unghh

DT: You know, you made me look really bad with that Easter Bunny business. I mean, that was going to be a hit with the Christian right, and you kind of ruined it for me.

CV: unghh

DT: I understand. Spot, I would like you to do us a favor though because our country has been through a lot…

Let's Get Mikey!!

President Don Trumpet

"I don't like the 

governor of Washington. 

So you know who calls? 

I get Mike Pence to call."

Vice President Underpence

It's Not Me, It's You

It's Not Me, It's You

I’ve been considering this break-up for some time. Surely you noticed I’ve been pulling away?

It started so well. You showed me everything I wanted to see, with no surprises. I felt heard, and if not loved, at least I was liked, a LOT. And the connection kept growing, beyond what I ever believed possible.

Then you changed. Remember? You started withholding things you gave me in the start. You stopped showing me what I wanted, and forced me to do everything YOUR way. You said it was what you thought I wanted, but you never asked, not once.

Do I have a part? Who cares? You cheated on me, and 50 million others. Now that you’re caught, you say you have a responsibility, and if you can’t live up to your end of the bargain, you don’t deserve me. At least you’re right about that.

I’m taking myself out, and I won’t be back. I just wanted you to know that it’s not me... it’s you.

Why Women Hate Viagra**

The Top Ten Reasons Women Hate Viagra

10. Can’t count on aging to get a good night's sleep

9. As if doctors didn't have god complexes already

8. Plausible alibis for dirty old men

7. Makes a penis look super angry

6. There goes your free time

5.  Pants tents everywhere in the nursing home 

4. Doesn't prevent guys buying embarrassing muscle cars

3. Humiliating ER visits where staff asks: "But did you try a blow job?"

2. Those simpering, chiffon-clad fake nymphos in the commercials

1. Now any time...is the right time??


**This is not about my husband