Jun 10, 2020

The Hair Apparent

T’s mother was not a natural blonde, but she did have one of the mansion’s bedrooms dedicated entirely to her wigs. 
Honey blonde, strawberry, dirty, golden or ash, T’s mother wore them all, though she never went platinum, because T’s father thought that shade vulgar for a wife (though fine for a mistress). 
T’s mother despised Styrofoam head wig-stands, so she bought custom Cosmetology Mannequin Heads and commissioned a make-up artist to paint the faces. Mounted on marble pedestals, the heads dazzled with their cat-eyed liner, thick false eyelashes and pouty pink or coral lips. Only when the make-up was perfect, did T’s mother allow her hairdresser to place a styled blonde postiche on the head, and the room became a feast of beauty.
T adored his mother’s wig-room from the very beginning, when a frustrated nanny took him there to stop a tantrum. It worked immediately.
“Mommy?” he whispered, turning in a circle. A Baccarat chandelier scattered light across the room, ricocheting off the gold-veined mirrors. It seemed there were a thousand mommies. No matter they were bodiless, they all had beautiful hair.
The summer he was ten, whenever his mother left the house, T made a bee-line to the wig chamber. Opening the door, he thrilled to the gorgeous fake women inside. Then he kissed every one of the twenty-five stunners, right on their perfectly painted lips. 
“I’m T,” he’d breathe on them, leaning in quickly to steal his prize. Then he’d smooth their hair, marveling at the lustrous variety of colors and styles. One seemed a cascade of shiny 18k gold, spun into waves. Next, a soft cap of curls, wheat-colored and gleaming. T’s favorite wig was an elaborate updo with a yellow glossy pompadour swept low over the forehead. Someday, he thought. Someday.

Apr 24, 2020

Woman Keeps Head From Exploding

"Disinfectant knocks it out
in one minute, is there a 
way we can do something 
like that by injection inside?"


 What? What??
No! No! No!


Ivanka Shares Quarantine Tips

During this difficult time, why not:

Camp out in your living room!  

Make shadow puppets on the wall! 

Don't stay home.  Take your family to a nice golf resort in New Jersey. 

Jared and me did. 

(Just remember to call it your family home.



Apr 17, 2020

How Many Doctors?

Dr. Swill
Dr. Schnoz
Dr. Laura Ignoramus

How Many Doctors?

Dr. Ignoramus:  Don't tell me! I wrote MY thesis on the effects of Insulin on Laboratory Rats. I'm a special, Specialist.

Dr. Swill: Don't know. I don't actually have a license to practice, I just exploit people's emotions on TV. And it's good money. Great, actually.

Dr. Schnoz: Hold up! I am a real medical doctor. I specialize in dieting, voodoo and yoga/kombucha. I am an actual MD. 

Dr. Ignoramus: Anyway, what's the point? We have Common Sense. And Common Sense says: People are going to die anyway, it's time to get the money rolling again.

Dr. Swill: You know, I just got an infinity-sized pool installed.

Dr Schnoz: Be careful with that. Lots of people, lots, lots, of people die by swimming pools. 

Dr. Ignoramus: And you heard it here, first!

Barr Claims Media Jihad Against Hydroxychloroquin

Attorney General Belly Barr

Barr says Trump has been the recipient of “snarky, gotcha questions from the White House media pool.” Questions like:

Reporter 1
Has there been an efficacy study on the drug?

Reporter 2
What about scientific trials?

Reporter 3
Are there side effects?

Apr 8, 2020

I'm Not a Doctor But I Have Common Sense



"Xi says, Xi says, covid no more."

"Saudi princes pay no prices, murder they can do."

"How many nukes would Kim Jung Un chuck, if Kim Jung Un could chuck nukes ?"

"Hi-drox-ee-kloro-quinn, Hi-drox-ee-kloro-quinn. Nothing lost by doing it, nothing lost by doing it."

"I’ve seen things that I sort of like. So what do I know? I'm not a doctor. I'm not a doctor, but I have Common Sense."

"But, Hi-drox-ee-Kloro-quinn. Try it, if you'd like.”

"Whaduh ya have to lose?" 

Apr 2, 2020

A Perfect Convo





DT: Lissen, Mr. Corona, do you prefer Corona King, or Corona Virus?

CK: Unghh

DT: Right. I'm just going to call you Spot. You know, I felt you were a pandemic long before you were even called a pandemic.

CV: Unghh

DT: Very much under control in the USA? I never said that! I said you were a very contagious virus!

CK: Unghh

DT:  Look, I’ve barely slowed you down at all. Think about it. Inadequate testing, that was me. And I encouraged people to go out for as long as I could!

CV: unghh

DT: You know, you made me look really bad with that Easter Bunny business. I mean, that was going to be a hit with the Christian right, and you kind of ruined it for me.

CV: unghh

DT: I understand. Spot, I would like you to do us a favor though because our country has been through a lot…

Mar 31, 2020

Let's Get Mikey!!

President Don Trumpet

"I don't like the 

governor of Washington. 

So you know who calls? 

I get Mike Pence to call."

Vice President Underpence

Mar 30, 2020

Easter Bunny Loses Against Corona King

Easter Bunny

"Oh Nooooooo!"

President Trumpet

"It was just an aspiration!"

Corona King

"Aspirate this! You Lose!"

Mar 27, 2020

I WIN!!!!!

President Trumpet
Boris's Johnson
First Lady Melancholia

BJ: I have the coronavirus.
PT: I win!!!
MT: Why? Because he has the virus and not you?
PT: You know who else I beat? Idris Alba, Tom Hanks and Harvey Weinstein!
MT: What about Tom's wife, Rita?
PT: She doesn't count.
MT: Well, not so many people.
PT: We're number one with people!
MT: You know there are thousands dying.
PT: And we're still going!!!