Burka Beach Party

THE HOTTEST I'VE EVER LOOKED

Does this burka make my butt look big? My sister said it doesn't, but we're pretty competitive. Believe me, it took a long time to pick it out. I had help from the media though, like the advice on the magazine covers I read while I was waiting to pay for some cupcakes at the grocery store. Sometimes these headlines are comforting to me. For instance, it made me feel better to know there was an "All Play Way to Torch Calories!" I almost bought that issue, but didn't think watching Jeopardy was going to be considered as an All Play category, so I passed.

BATHING SUIT.  They have to be in that order, but when they are, those two words have tortured me, TORTURED ME, to infinity and beyond. The prospect of buying something with Lycra to wear on the beach is like getting wrapped in a thermal blanket on the way to hell, and then eternally toasting marshmallows only others' can eat. (Although, who cares if there aren't chocolate bars and graham crackers to sandwich them in between?)

Yes, I know my body type. She's got such a pretty face; She's big-boned like my aunt; although I don't think I ever attained, She's big.  I was a pear until I got boobs, and then I became an ice cream cone — 38D on top and size 6 on the bottom. OK, the size 6 is shoes. But I think the fruit lobby paid off the medical industry with that apple and pear business anyway.  How fair is it that clothes are only advertised on people shaped like bananas? It's not even a category!

For years, I unsuccessfully followed a three-step program for try-on days:
1. Wear control top panty hose and high heels
2. Hit the tanning bed and worry about cancer, not fat
3. Watch the weather - power outages provide dimmer lighting

Celebrity swimsuit designer Liz Hurley says that great cover-ups are every woman's 'secret weapon.' Another top tip from Liz is that most women feel okay in a bathing suit when they are lying flat. The night before Liz goes to the beach she has a snack at 6 p.m. and skips dinner.  What's more, she avoids salty foods and carbonated drinks. Maybe then she doesn't have to go to the bathroom and can keep lying flat on the beach and looking thin. That's never worked for me. I always end up having to go, and it's hard to suck in my stomach with a full bladder. Liz says she eats very little during the day except "... boring snacks like a banana or six raisins." She admits, "The only meal I have, is dinner."  So even with the starvation, Liz wears a white shirt over her bikini. I'll bet that's to cover up some jiggly arm fat she got from eating the banana. Or the six raisins. She does look smart with the book, though.

But I digress. I took every woman's secret weapon to my bathing suit tryout this year and ended up with this burka. It looks better when I'm lying down.