Feb 2, 2015

I Want to Kill Siri

Ask, But She Won't Tell 

It started innocently enough. One day, my son Julian sneakily told Siri to start calling me "King Hippo."  I use Siri when I'm driving (hands free) to send text messages, read my email, and some of the other things promised above. So when Siri started calling me King Hippo,  I overlooked the insult. But one day, I just couldn't take it any more.

Me:  Send a text to John, Siri
Siri:  I'd be happy to do that, King Hippo
Me:  Don't call me King Hippo!
Siri:  I don't understand, Don't call me King Hippo
Me:   From now on call me Maripat, Siri
Siri:  I can't make changes to your contacts, you can do that in the contacts app
Me:  But my name is not King Hippo!
Siri:  I don't understand, But my name is not King Hippo
Me:  You don't understand much then, do you Siri?
Siri:  That's your opinion, King Hippo.

Naturally, I was incensed after this conversation, so I had a bag of Doritos. Our next run-in was bad:

Me:  I need the address for the Post Office in Amherst Massachusetts, Siri
Siri: I found two addresses, tap the one you are looking for
Me:  I can't,  I'm driving
Siri: I don't understand,  I can't, I'm driving
Me:  I'm driving the car!
Siri: I don't understand, I'm driving the car
Me: That's because you're stupid and can't drive!
Siri: That's your opinion, King Hippo.

Things went from bad to worse. It started to seem like Siri was purposely not answering my questions, causing me to stop at the Glazed Donut Shop during the week .

Me:  Tell me about Alamogordo, New Mexico, Siri
Siri:  Here's the map.
Me:  Can you look up the Wikipedia Page?
Siri: Here's what I found on 'Wikipedia Page'
Me:  No, look up the Wikipedia page for Alamogordo, New Mexico, Siri
Siri: Here's the Wikipedia page on 'Alamogordo, New Mexico'
Me:  Can you read it to me?
Siri: Here's what I found on 'Can you read it to me,' King Hippo
Me:  I hate you Siri
Siri:  I'm really sorry, but I can't take any more requests right now. Please try again later.
Me:  I've had it! I'm turning you off!

I spent a few weeks including Siri in my lovingkindness meditation, and finally felt I was ready to try again. Call me paranoid, but here's what happened:

Me: I need the address for The Salvation Army in Hadley Massachusetts, Siri
Siri: I'd prefer not to say
Me: I don't care, I want the address
Siri: Did I say you did?
Me: I know you are, but what am I?
Siri: You're King Hippo
Me: Says you
Siri: Here's the address for The Glazed Donut shop, King Hippo

I'm afraid my relationship with Siri is totally ruined now. Julian stopped her from calling me  King Hippo, but it's too late. Last night I even had a nightmare about her.

Me: I need you to call 911, Siri
Siri: I found 26 locations that match 911... should I read them to you?
Me: Aarrgh!
Siri: Are you choking on a donut...King Hippo?


  1. I love this. Had me laughing since I too don't have a good relationship with Siri. She never answers me. Hmm, glazed donut shop! Now there's an answer.

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  3. LOL That was great! i now know why i dont use Siri. Shes trouble. lol

  4. Hysterical! My roommate walked in on me laughing and asked what was so funny?

  5. You've convinced me not to ever use Siri. By now there must be better competitors to make Siri obsolete. Have you heard of the sexy, electronic search engine man Sven? Makes you feel like a goddess... Bridgit (I guess we'll have to invent him)

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