Oct 31, 2014



AFTER (Jacquelyn Martin/AP Photo)

Admit it, wouldn't you just love to be in the spa right now having the calluses nibbled off your feet by epidermis-eating fishes?

Some people think that's narcissistic, but I say: get back to your tree hugging. Isn't it every one's right to spend copious amounts of money on ridiculous self-indulgence? Why give it away feeding hungry children? Fish need to eat too, and you can get smooth heels in the process.

Using my new brain, Google, I found these real spa treatments that any self-absorbed, fully fed citizen can have.

Japanese Body Ritual  - Your body is polished with bamboo and ginger, rinsed with yuzu, sea algae, and then scented with rice bran and wild cherry blossoms. A massage with wild-lime oil and plum blossom body butter completes the experience.
This just makes me hungry.

Naga - Using strands of colored silk, the therapist hangs from the ceiling while wrapping and supporting your body, taking you into deep stretches. Shifting weight and pressure, her feet are used to conduct deep muscle massage.
I'm worried the therapist will hang herself when she sees me naked. 

Tok Sen - a Thai massage, stretching combined with rhythmic tapping on the energy lines of your body with a special wooden hammer.  Deep vibrations work to release energy blockages, stimulate circulation, promoting relaxation and re-balance.
OK, as long as it was a special wooden hammer. I wouldn't be able to relax if it was just a regular hammer. 

Vinotherapy - Using red wine grapes, your body is infused with antioxidants and anti-aging polyphenols. A red wine greeting, grape seed oil massage, Shiraz body scrub, red wine body mask, Pinot Noir facial and a Shiraz face and body smoother will leave you feeling luxuriously renewed.
...And probably drunk.

Hakali - A warm mixture of prickly pear cactus and Mexican liquor are applied to your body using spine-free paddles from the cactus plant. The use of cactus can help remove toxins and quench dehydrated skin to leave you feeling rejuvenated.
I think it would be better for my cellulite if they didn't use the spine-free paddles.

If you want the spa treatment, but feel guilty about the starving kids, there's a solution. Global Finance lists Kinshasa as the poorest country in the world, so let's do it there.

Kinshasa - Yes it's the Congo, but don't worry, they speak French. Your body is wrapped in aluminum foil and dunked in the Congo River, attracting carnivorous giant tiger fish that will rid you of any unsightly body parts you've come to despise. The fish (and any vestige of visible body hair) will be swept away in the Inga Falls, landing you on an ancient rubber plantation, where you'll be covered in latex, peeled, and finally bathed in palm oil, single-handedly reviving the obligatory planting policies of the late 1920s and saving the local economy. 

With this new treatment, everyone will be fed, fishes AND children. And we can all feel good about ourselves. It'll be Spa-tastic.